Your lesson from Steubenville

By now you've all heard about the Steubenville, OH rape trial and probably about the ensuing controversy over the media's coverage of the verdict. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read the links in the last sentence. I'm not recapping what happened because, frankly, at this point just thinking about it makes me want to puke. What I am going to do instead is tell you what I want you to learn from the Steubenville case.

Women in the US get all kinds of education in how not to get raped. Those of us who went to college and lived on campus at any point during the last two decades all got the 'how not to get raped' workshop as part of freshman orientation. Lists like this one or this, or this are all over the place. You've seen them and, if you're a woman, you've probably had numerous versions of them emailed to you by well-meaning friends and family members. And I'm not knocking self-defense training at all - I think martial arts and self-defense classes are a great idea for everyone, and that both men and women are well served by some basic education in personal safety. But the fact is that when it comes to preventing rape, the ONLY educational information out there is directed at women. So what's the problem with that?

The problem is that no amount of educating women is going to get to the root of the issue. The problem is that NOBODY ever says "Hey dudes, DON'T RAPE!"

And, of course, the problem is also that our news outlets still lament the loss of the RAPISTS' promising futures and, without a trace of irony, quote the RAPISTS as saying "My life is over. No one is going to want me now."

Putting the onus of rape prevention exclusively on women excuses rapists from personal responsibility by elevating the concept of 'rape' to the level of a societal problem like 'crime' or 'poverty'. It says "men are going to do it and there's nothing we can do about it." It also says "you've been thoroughly educated, so if you still get raped it's your own fault because you weren't careful/sober/conservatively-dressed enough."

So here is my own list of rape prevention tips. For everybody.

1. DON'T RAPE. SERIOUSLY. DO NOT DO IT. TO ANYBODY. EVER.
2. Stop making excuses for rapists. They are criminals, and they made the conscious choice to hurt someone in what is arguably the most psychologically damaging way possible. They don't deserve your sympathy or your protection no matter how good their GPA's are or how bright their futures are.
3. Regardless of what kind of chromosomes or genitalia you have, treat your fellow humans decently. Don't hurt people - physically or verbally; don't sit quietly and accept it if someone hurts you, and don't stand by silently if you see someone else being hurt.
4. Parents, quit turning a blind eye to your children's behavior in the name of 'letting them work out their problems for themselves.' I hear that excuse all the time from parents whose kids act like assholes. You don't need to become a helicopter parent, but it's your number one job as a parent to teach your kids how to behave like civilized people instead of animals. DO YOUR JOB.
5. Do not EVER tell your daughters (or your sons, for that matter) "he (or she) only did that because he likes you." People who like you don't hurt you or embarrass you to show that they like you. Tell your daughters (and sons) the truth: that he (or she) did that because he was acting like a shitty little jerkface. And then give your kids some constructive suggestions about what they can do if it happens again, including how to seek help effectively if they don't feel they can handle the situation themselves.
6. Teach your children that there is ONE standard of honorable behavior that should be followed BY EVERYONE. See #3. And model that behavior, even if the other parents at the playground judge you for it.
7. If someone hurts you (assuming it's not in self-defense because you were attacking them first) it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Anyone who makes excuses for a person who hurts you or suggests that it is your fault is full of shit. Don't believe it. Fight for justice if you have to; you deserve it and our society will be better for it.

So here's what happened. Again.

Last time I wrote a post, I was living in Rhode Island. Since then, I have relocated to the Seattle area, along with my hubby & kids. As you may recall, we moved to Providence, RI in May of 2011, which was not so very long ago.

Two cross-country moves in fourteen months? Yes.

We moved to Providence because my hubby, Sam, who is a video game engineer, accepted a job with former up-and-coming MMO developer 38 Studios. It was a great opportunity for him to work on a project that, while maybe not groundbreaking in the genre, would have taken existing MMO conventions to new heights of gameplay and aesthetics. And it was a great opportunity for both of us to meet some really amazing people who we are going to be friends with for the rest of our lives. If nothing else, moving to Providence was worth it just for that.

Fast-forward to May 15th, 2012...one day before Sam's one year anniversary of joining the company. 38 Studios failed to make payroll and a few days later it came to light that the company had also defaulted on a loan payment to the RIEDC. A lot of drama and heartbreak and political mudslinging ensued, which has been reported on extensively, so I am not going to rehash all the details. Gamasutra did a good job of covering the drama from the employees' perspective, and you can read about it for yourself here if you are curious.

On June 15th, Sam was in California finishing his second week of interviews with game studios up and down the West Coast and I was home in Providence trying to get our house ready to put on the market, trying to find a way to cope with leaving the friends I had made over the previous year, and doing a horrible job at both.

On July 15th we had brunch with our best friends, said good-bye and then boarded a one-way flight to Seattle. We're now camping out at Sam's parents' house until our stuff gets delivered to our new place in Kirkland next week. The following week Sam will start his new job at Valve, and the kids and I will start the long and exhausting process of unpacking, settling in and making friends. Again.

Going from the first inkling that something was wrong to having picked up and fully relocated ourselves to the complete opposite end of the country in just two months is a lot to deal with. I wish I could get excited about being here, and I'm sure I will in a few more weeks, but for now my head is still spinning and my heart is still aching. Our best friend couple from 38 Studios are moving to Warsaw in September, which will put them very close to the opposite side of the planet and the opposite end of the day from us. My other best friend from Providence has lived there all her life and has no reason to go anywhere else, since she and her husband aren't connected with 38 Studios at all. We have a number of other dear friends among the ex-38 crowd who are also staying in Rhode Island or moving to the Boston area. We're also leaving behind some of our favorite cousins in northern New Jersey, who we were really happy to have reconnected with over the last year. The silver lining, of course, is that we now have a whole bunch of people to go visit in that corner of the country, but that doesn't begin to make up for the fact that we won't get to see any of them more than once a year for the foreseeable future.

Don't get me wrong, Seattle has a lot going for it: my in-laws are here, which is wonderful for many reasons, and our proximity to them means we will see more of the siblings and cousins who come visit regularly. My brother and his wife live in the area, which means we will see a lot more of them and we will also see more of my dad, who will be able to come for more frequent and longer visits. My best friends from college (who introduced me to Sam, incidentally) live in north Idaho, so we will be able to see a lot more of them than we have for the last few years. I have another good friend from college who visits the area several times a year and a friend from high school who now lives & teaches here. There are a number of ex-38ers moving to the area, some of whom we are pretty good friends with. And we are that much closer to all the people we miss in California, whom we will get to see a little more frequently now.

I'll post an update about how awesome everything is here once the dust settles and we get unpacked and organized. Meanwhile, to my friends and loved ones in New England, California, and all the far-flung corners of the world: know that I am thinking of you and wishing you were all closer.

Bitches love sonnets

So apparently this is a thing now:

I don't really know why it's a thing, but it's sort of funny.

Anyway, the friend who first raised my consciousness to the notion that bitches, in fact, love sonnets is himself an avid writer of sonnets and he happened to text me a sonnetized version of "The Wheels On the Bus" today. It's every bit as hilariously brilliant as it sounds. He followed it with the words "tag, you're it."

WELL! I am certainly not one to let a challenge like that go unanswered.

So I put some thought into it, because honestly it's pretty hard to top "The Wheels On the Bus" in iambic pentameter...I thought about sonnets, and the bitches who love them, and after some serious cogitation I decided that if Sir Mix-a-lot had been a contemporary of Shakespeare and Kit Marlowe, he might have written it this way:

I love my ladies statuesque, 'tis true,

And nor can my fraternity deny

That when a damsel wanders into view,

Her lovely orbs to thy visage drawn nigh,

Then how like tight-wound clockwork from its case

Burst forth the ard'rous longings in thy breast,

For thou didst note with joy clear on thy face

How tight against her skirt said orbs were press'd.

Compared to her all others are inferior.

We sing the praises of her grand posterior!

(See what I did there with the clockwork as imagery for getting "sprung?" Awwwww yeeeeeeeeah!)

Fan Fiction

The following is a Harry Potter fan fiction piece that my kids wrote together. Thing Two (a.k.a. Stella, age 4) dictated the text, Thing One (a.k.a. Mirah, age 8) wrote it down, and they both collaborated on the illustrations. I have no words for how awesome I think it is, but I'm their mom so of course I love it. Without further ado, for your amusement and edification, I present you with "Stella the Auror."

The End!

Almost...

There's also the teaser page that Thing One drew for the back cover:

Them's fightin' words...

Yup, it's a political post. I usually stay out of political discussions because in my experience they mostly boil down to Your Party vs. My Party backed up by talking points that may or may not be based on factual information or logically sound reasoning, and to me those are not worth losing friends over.

The problem with staying disengaged is that I miss out on the occasional valid point that I haven't heard before that makes it clear where those on the other side of the issue are coming from. And I want to know! I sincerely want to believe that my fellow American voters actually DO have really good reasons for their various viewpoints, and that they aren't just buying into propaganda. If I'm going to have heated disagreements with my friends on policy issues, I want us to be able to walk away respecting the validity of each other's positions, even if we still disagree about the specific goals of policy or the methods for achieving those goals.

So, at the risk of starting something that may degrade into the intellectual version of Rollerball, I'm going to state my case on a hot-button issue in the hopes of getting some insight from the other side. Because frankly, after years of listening to the back-and-forth, I still have no idea why the other side's position continues to be supported.

The issue? Marriage equality!

I support it. Of course. I want to live in a country whose legal system treats people equally. Totally equally, not 'separate-but-equal'-ly or some more equally than others. I do NOT want to live in a country where I may be subject to different treatment under the law than another person in my situation based solely on personal characteristics that I can't change. And, no, sexual orientation is not a choice. There's plenty of research out there to back me up on that. Google it.

So far, all the arguments I've heard for restricting marriage laws boil down to one of three things:

1) Same-sex couples can't have children, and the historical purpose of marriage is to provide for reproduction and raising of children.

Not only does this argument completely ignore the thousands of couples who are bravely raising children in spite of the current hostile political and social climate AND the thousands upon thousands more couples who would love more than anything to raise families together but aren't willing to do so in the current climate, but by that logic opposite-sex couples shouldn't be legally recognized as 'married' either if they don't intend to have children. Next?

2) Homosexuality goes against the Bible.

Well, maybe...so does eating shellfish, and as far as I know nobody's trying to criminalize that. It's true that our legal system takes inspiration from the Christian Bible and its predecessor the Torah...and also from a lot of other cultural and historical traditions. The laws of our religiously pluralistic country cannot and should not be defined by one religion's dogma. That bit in the Constitution about making 'no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof'? Yeah, that goes both ways. If Congress can't dictate religion to the people of the US, neither can religion dictate the law. What else ya got?

3) Homosexuality is unnatural/pathological/icky.

That's a matter of opinion, not fact. All the available scientific evidence suggests otherwise. The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as an aspect of personality, not as a matter of normal or abnormal psychology. Incidentally, at different times in our nation's history, the above has been said about all kinds of things people didn't like, including interracial marriage, women participating in the workforce and left-handedness. It wasn't a valid legal argument against any of those things either.

So, to all you marriage "traditionalists" out there: What gives? Do you guys have an actual LEGAL basis for wanting to exclude same-sex couples from your club? If so, I would love to hear it!

Never underestimate the healing power of bacon

My therapist suggested that I could counteract the first-winter-away-from-home blues by engaging my senses with more things that sound/look/smell/taste/feel good to me, like happy music, scented candles, etc., etc. The idea is that by kicking up the level of positively-associated sensory stimulation a notch, you can distract your brain from focusing on whatever it's depressed about which, even if it doesn't solve the underlying problem, will hopefully help you get through your day without bursting into tears every ten minutes.

So, to that end, I have been eating more bacon. A lot more. And it's totally working.

It's true what they say: bacon really does make everything better. Even homesickness and seasonal depression.

Who knew self-medicating could be so tasty?

Not a New Year's Resolution

I don't really go in for New Year's resolutions like some people do. I'd like to, and there have been years when I've sat down and tried to write out a list of things to work on for the year. But I find that once I start thinking about things I'd like to change or do differently, those things start snowballing in my mind until they quickly grow into a tall, steep, imposing mountain of Things That Could Be Improved that is cold and windy, especially up above the snow line, and I start feeling like maybe I'm better off staying warm and comfortable down here on the plains of The Way Things Currently Are.

So this year, no resolutions.

Instead, I'm going to try something new in 2012. I'm going to do a project. If it doesn't work out, no big deal, I'm not out anything except some time. If it does, I'll have learned a lot of new and interesting stuff that will serve me well in the future. By the way, I'm also not starting this right now because of the New Year...I just happened to think of it in January.

So here's my plan: during January through October of 2012 I'm aiming to pick one course a month from MIT's OpenCourseWare offerings and work through as much of each one as I can. I'm planning to pick a variety of topics, some familiar, some not, some useful, some just for fun. And I'm going to do it all for free, using the OpenCourseWare content, my local library, and the Internet.

If you're not familiar with OpenCourseWare, it's an amazing learning resource. Reading lists, discussion questions, assignments, lecture notes, and other content from MIT's classes are available free of charge for use by the general public. Because content is made available at the discretion of the professors and departments who offer the courses, some courses have more content available than others. Still, it's a great starting point for exploring topics you might be interested in. For example, say you want to learn the basics of computer programming...you can navigate to the Introduction to Computer Science & Programming class, track down and read the books/articles listed on the "Readings" page, watch the video lectures that are available for the course, and work through the assignments. If you get hung up on something, you may not have access to a real live professor, but you can post questions to the discussion forum for the class and get answers from other students who are working through the course.

Why am I doing this? Two reasons:

First, because there are a lot of really interesting things out there in the world, and I don't know enough about any of them. I'm starting with the Introduction to Political Thought class because, this being election year and all, I really want to have a better grounding in the basics of political science than I do. I'm also planning to do the aforementioned Intro to Computer Science class and probably a class in the basics of accounting and finance. I'm also looking seriously at the music, art history and urban planning offerings. My educational background is in linguistics and anthropology, and I may revisit those areas as well.

Second, I'm hoping to use this as a career development tool. I have a lot of skills, a WHOLE lot of interests, less professional experience than most people my age and no direction to speak of. I'm planning to use the OpenCourseWare classes to explore how and where I can apply the skills I already have, and to identify areas where I might need or want further training. It's not really an issue now, because for the near future (at least the next couple of years), I'm going to be homeschooling at least one of my children full time, but at some point I would like to go back to work. My family is in the extremely fortunate position of not needing two incomes to survive, but the current economic climate makes the security of a second income - even a part-time income - look very appealing. Even more importantly, I'd like to find a use for my skills that will benefit more people than just my immediate family. I'd like to have the satisfaction of doing something constructive to improve the world in some way. And I'd also like to have the satisfaction of getting paid at least the current market rate to do so.

I'm only planning to go through October because I'm FINALLY going to do NaNoWriMo this year come hell or high water and the only projects I plan for December involve making holiday crafts with the kids. And also because ten is such a nice round number.

Oh yeah, and I'm also going to blog more in 2012. But that's not a resolution either. It's just a prediction.

So here's what happened...

Last time I wrote a post, I was living in Southern California. Since then, I have relocated to Providence RI, along with my hubby & kids. That's pretty much what has been happening for the last eight months. Some other stuff probably happened too, but it pales in comparison.

Okay, you're saying to yourself, so that's a BIG move. Yes. Yes it is. It's huge. How did it happen, you ask?

Well, the short version is: The hubby got a job. (You can check out his blog for part 1, part 2 and part 3 of the long version.)

SO I MOVED. Yes, I did.

We flew out to Rhode Island in May, stayed at the Residence Inn for a month and then in a corporate apartment downtown for another month while we waited out the process of buying a house, then had our furniture delivered and settled in to our new home in Providence's lovely East side.

And here I am.

There are many things to love about New England, and Rhode Island in particular has, considering its size, more than its share of awesomeness to offer. For example, Providence is renowned for its food culture, and I've been delighted to find that it lives up to its reputation. Fresh, local and in-season is the standard here. Family farms are well supported and farmers' markets are a mainstream shopping option that are utilized by most people to some degree. Restaurants proudly display on their menus the names of the local farms or towns from which they source their ingredients. People here are more tuned in to where their food comes from and how it's produced than anywhere I've lived before.

And that's saying nothing of the rich history of the region, the support for the arts, the proximity to many of the most respected universities in the world, the spectacular scenery (including beaches!) or any of the other amazing things that make this such a great place.

On the other hand, I'm now spending my first winter in New England after living in California for eighteen years. And it totally sucks. I miss my friends. I miss my house (the one in the OC, which we still own & are renting out to one of those friends I miss so much). I miss being warm. And I miss SUNLIGHT!

Anyway, that's what happened.

I'm hoping things will look better when the days start getting longer and I thaw out a little. Meanwhile, I'll be stepping up my caffeine intake, dressing in layers and shopping for full-spectrum light bulbs.

Popsicles...they're not just for breakfast anymore.

My kids are on a popsicle kick. They love popsicles right now more than any other edible thing on the planet. It's the middle of February and, as I'm typing this, they are sitting at the table shivering, mouths covered in popsicle residue and chanting, "more pops! More Pops!! MORE!!! POPS!!!"

For those of you who don't know me that well, I should explain that I am kind of a nutrition nut. I had a terrible relationship with food as a kid and as a result my health (both physical and mental) was not all that it should have been when I was younger. And here I am giving my kids popsicles for breakfast?!

You betcha!

I should also mention that my kids are extremely picky eaters. I have been beating my head against the wall for six years trying to get my oldest to eat her veggies. Well, it turns out my kids will eat almost ANYTHING as long as it's in popsicle form. The shape, temperature and texture are what counts, as far as they are concerned.

So here's what I do:

1) Get some sturdy reusable popsicle molds - I think the ones we have in the freezer right now came from Ikea, but you can find them lots of places. Do a web search for 'freezer pop mold' or 'popsicle mold' and you will find lots of information. If you can't find actual popsicle-shaped molds in the stores, ice-cube trays will work too.

2) Hit the local farmers' market - fresh, local, in-season fruits and veggies make the best-tasting popsicles. You can also find a wider variety of things at the farmers' market than you can at the supermarket, at least in Southern California. If you live somewhere with cold winters that limit the availability of fresh produce, you should be able to find packages of organic frozen berries, squash, carrots and the like at your local supermarket. And don't be afraid to experiment with things that don't sound popsicly...my kids love roasted pumpkin and butternut pops with cinnamon & ginger blended in, and they've unwittingly eaten greens, carrots, sweet potato and lots of other veggies blended in with apple or berry pops.

3) Round up some other ingredients - my kids like their popsicles creamy so I usually add yoghurt, peanut butter or sunflower seed butter to our popsicles for extra texture and protein. Other things you could add include cottage cheese, cream cheese, almond/cashew/macadamia/other nut butter, kefir, tofu or just about any other creamy, proteiny thing you want. Or feel free to skip that stuff if creamy pops don't appeal to you.

I don't add refined sugar to my pops because I prefer not to have to scrape my kids off the ceiling after they finish eating, but if I think a particular mix of ingredients would benefit from being a little sweeter I will add a squirt of agave nectar, which has a substantially lower glycemic index than sugar and therefore doesn't amp my kids up as much. You can also add supplements like flax meal, flax/borage/cod liver/other omega-rich oil, wheat germ, wheat grass and other stuff that you might want in your kids' (or your own!) diet but aren't that appetizing in their raw forms.

4) Get out the blender - mix all your ingredients thoroughly. If your mix is too thick, add a splash of milk, apple juice or other liquid to help soften it up. As a side note, my kids always like their pops better with a banana mixed in, regardless of what the other ingredients are.

5) Pour the mix into the pop molds - follow the directions on the packaging if you're using a set of molds designed for popsicles; if you're using ice-cube trays, just pour it into the compartments, wrap freezer-safe plastic wrap or aluminum foil over the top and insert toothpicks or wooden popsicle sticks through it. The wrap supports the sticks/toothpicks while the mix is freezing.

6) Pop them in your freezer and let them freeze for at least 4 hours, then...

Presto! Healthy frozen treats for everyone! For breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert or snacks!

Oh, and if your kids are impatient and don't want to wait for their popsicles to freeze, you can always pour the mix in a glass, pop in a straw and call it a shake.

Why do we homeschool?

Next week is National School Choice Week, and to celebrate I am helping some other local moms organize a town hall meeting featuring a panel discussion about educational options in our area. I don't plan to serve as a panelist but the process of organizing, coordinating and publicizing this event has made me think really hard about what I would say if I were one.

First, a little background information: I'm not married to homeschooling from an ideological standpoint. I don't think our public education system is "broken." (I do wish it were better funded and better organized, though.) I am not a religious fanatic. I'm not a granola-crunching hippie type who thinks public education is an industrial-military brainwashing scheme. (But for the record, I do like granola a lot.) I'm not a wealthy snob mom who thinks my kids are too good for school and can afford to pay private tutors to educate them instead. Nor am I an example of any of the other various and amusing stereotypes of homeschooling parents.

So why do we homeschool? In short, because right now, in the area where we live, it is the best option for our family. Public school works really well for a lot of families, and that's great. Private schools offer a lot of different approaches and philosophies to education, giving parents who can afford it a lot of choice in how their kids will be educated, and that's great too. Community-supported charter schools can focus their efforts on serving the specific educational needs of the students in their communities without wasting resources on things those students don't need, which is wonderful. Homeschooling, in all its many manifestations, works too. If you're skeptical, read this article.

We didn't start out planning to homeschool. We settled on it as a temporary fix to tide us over while we explored what other schooling options might meet our daughter's unique educational needs. After two years of visiting schools, talking to other parents, reading volumes upon volumes about educational theory and practice, and exhausting myself in the process, I have come to the realization that what we are already doing is better than any of the other options we have explored.

Special needs, you ask? Yes. My daughter is gifted (highly gifted, we think, although we haven't had her assessed yet), and it turns out that giftedness is one of the most severely underserved special educational needs there is. My daughter started reading organically at age three. For a six-month period starting just before she turned five, whenever people asked her "What's your favorite animal?" her response was "Australopithecus afarensis." I'm not making that up. She started reading chapter books at age five. Shortly after her sixth birthday, she picked up a copy of Charlie and the Chocolate factory that I had bought intending to read out loud with her, completed it within 24 hours and, as I discovered when I quizzed her about it, retained 100% of it and understood about 80% - not only was my kindergartener reading at a 4th grade level, she was SPEED-reading and, for the most part, comprehending at a 4th grade level! At the beginning of her (technically) 1st grade year, she became interested in evolutionary biology. She read everything about it that she could get her hands on for several weeks, at the end of which she could summarize the various theories of the origins of life on earth, name and describe the different kingdoms of living things (all of them!), explain the difference between prokaryotic and eukaryotic organisms, and give you a lecture on the importance of cyanobacteria in the development of the earth's atmosphere. And that, I realized, is the most beautiful part of learning at home...she is free to study everything she is interested in, to whatever extent it suits her, without wasting her time on things she already knows while she waits for everyone else to catch up.

But what about GATE, you ask? Our district's Gifted and Talented Education (GATE) program starts in 3rd grade and mostly consists of keeping gifted kids in class with their same-age peers but giving them extra work to do. When we were looking at kindergarten options I left several messages for our district's GATE office inquiring about testing and other services for my gifted five-year-old. They never returned my calls.

But surely, you say, there must be private schools with gifted programs in your area? Well, yes, but the very few schools in our area with truly individualized curricula aren't equipped to cope with my daughter's other special need, which is OCD. She's had periodic episodes of obsessive-compulsive behavior since she was three, and, being that it's an anxiety disorder, her condition causes her to freak out and scream at the top of her lungs occasionally, without stopping and for no obvious reason. Schools aren't equipped for that. Teachers aren't trained to deal with it. However, with the help of a very good family therapist, we have been able to manage it at home very effectively, without disrupting anyone else's learning experience or inspiring any well-meaning "experts" to try to "help" by diagnosing my child with all manner of behavioral and/or developmental disorders. I'm not just being paranoid about that last part - I've actually been warned by three different actual experts who know & understand my child that we should expect to deal with that if we ever go the public school route.

So, that is why we homeschool. We might school some other way in the future if it turns out to be the best thing at that time, and that will be good too. For now, though, we will stick with what works at this moment, in this place. My daughter is thriving. Our family is thriving.

Why would we do anything else?

If it hurts you're probably doing it wrong

...which can be said about oh, so many things, but in this case I'm talking about 'me-time'. That's right, those precious few hours a week (if we're extremely lucky) that moms get to spend on ourselves and ONLY ourselves. It occurred to me recently that everything I do for me-time these days involves pain in one form or another, and to be honest, I find this a little disturbing.

For example, on the rare occasion that I get me-time, I spend most of it exercising. I power-hike one of several routes around my extremely hilly neighborhood, or if me-time happens to occur on a Sunday afternoon, I go to a bellydance class that a friend of mine teaches. Now, exercise is great and contributes substantially to my energy level and sense of well-being and all, but because I don't do it every day, it kind of hurts. Especially the next day. Especially if I forgo stretching afterwards in favor of getting somebody's dinner ready or cleaning up a mess or sorting out kid drama, which is almost inevitably the case when I get home from me-time workouts.

I also make it a point to go in for bikini sugaring appointments every few weeks. It's a great me-time experience in that I get to hang out at an upscale salon with very peaceful ambience and excellent customer service where they serve me coffee and pastries while I wait for for my appointment to start. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the sugaring process, it's similar to waxing but uses a mixture of sugar and other stuff that manages to grab only the hair and not the layers of skin that wax tends to take with it. In other words it gives the same smoooooth result but it's not even in the same ballpark of pain and post-treatment rashiness as waxing, which is why I do it instead. I wouldn't exactly say it's a picnic, though. There's pretty much no way to make getting your pubic hair ripped out by the follicles a completely pain-free experience. (Btw, the hubby & I both agree it's TOTALLY worth it!)

And every once in a great while, I spend my me-time shopping. I hate shopping. I may be the only gal in The OC who doesn't get any benefit whatsoever from retail therapy. I find shopping psychologically painful and I will avoid it at all costs until absolutely necessary. Trying on a whole bunch of clothes that mostly don't fit right and/or look weird just to find a couple of wearable items only serves as a reminder that, while I may be awesomely hot in my own unique way, I don't have the kind of figure the American fashion industry caters to. It's very discouraging and makes me consider moving to the tropics and adopting a nudist lifestyle. Also, in the case of bra shopping (which I really should consider doing in the near future, since I am still wearing nursing bras half the time in spite of the fact that my youngest weaned herself several months ago), it can be physically painful as well. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

So I have been pondering why it should be the case that everything I do for myself hurts. Do I have a self-destructive streak? At one point in my life that was true, but I'm well over it now and I don't have the spare time or energy for that level of drama anymore, so I'm pretty sure that's not it. Do I harbor guilt about doing fun things without my kids? No, I can't really say that I do. Which leaves me with two conclusions. First, that my priorities tend to be oriented toward long-term benefit over instant gratification. Okay, I can live with that. Second, that I really SHOULD make it a point to schedule some me-time activities that DON'T hurt every once in a while.

That being said, I already have some really special me-time planned for next week. I have a whole hour set aside to relax in a comfortable chair under warm lights, listening to soothing music playing in the background while I get taken care of by somebody else for a change.

That's right.

I have a dentist appointment.

But enough about me...

Oh, wait, I mean MORE about me!

Recently some of you have been posting comments like "Who ARE you, you captivating woman of mystery?" Okay, I might be paraphrasing. At any rate, I'm a new blogger and you guys don't know me very well so here is a list of the five most interesting things I can think of to tell you about myself, in no particular order:

1. I can belly dance.

It's by far the coolest thing I know how to do. I've been studying, performing and occasionally teaching the art of raqs as-sharqi (a.k.a. danse orientale, Middle-Eastern dance, belly dance) for going on twelve years. I got into it by accident, and it's a pretty good story that I will save for another post. I own a number of very fancy costumes, some of which are covered in bling, some of which are designed for various folkloric dance forms and most of which make me look dead sexy. In a completely classy and respectable way, of course. I will post some pictures of those too.

Belly dancing is the only athletic pursuit I've ever been good at and therefore the only one I've stuck with for any length of time. And, really, as long as I do it regularly it's the only workout I need. It has also been the most powerful form of therapy I've ever found; learning to dance has been the biggest factor in getting me over the body-image issues I developed during childhood and it has allowed me to regain ownership of my body, psychologically speaking. Someday when I'm feeling brave like Kato I will tell you more about that.

2. I'm a mom.

You've met Thing One and Thing Two already, and I will be posting more about them later. A lot more. This post, however is about me. I'm a little stumped as to what to say about myself as a mom without talking about my husband and kids, but here goes...I like to think I'm kind of a cool mom. I let my kids do body art with markers and paint, and I let them make messes as long as they're willing to clean up after themselves (with help, when necessary). I cook with my kids and get them involved in picking out food and preparing the family's meals. We listen to and occasionally play some really good music together. We spend a lot of time outside and take field trips to interesting places. We read together a lot. I try to give my kids the space to figure things out for themselves and also to be supportive and give them guidance when they need it. I try to help them be competent at the things they need and want to do (as opposed to alternately doing everything for them and ignoring them like my parents did for me), which takes a lot of patience now but will hopefully make things easier for all of us later. I also nag and yell and give a lot of time-outs, which my kids really do not think is cool.

I don't remember ever doing things with my parents as a kid - oh sure, I remember doing things near them or in the same room with them, but nothing that I could really say we were all actively involved in together. When we weren't in school my brother and I were mostly left to our own devices (our favorite device being the tv, of course) and occasionally we got taken to do kid activities that the 'rents would observe and not really get involved in. As a result I try to make sure I have fun (and also do chores and other things that aren't so much fun) WITH my kids every day so they can have a sense of belonging and being part of a community that was completely missing from my household growing up.

3. I have superpowers.

You might have heard about people who are supertasters - whose perception of taste is more acute than average and who are naturally suited for careers as chefs and sommeliers. Well, I'm a superfeeler, in both the tactile and emotional senses. For whatever reason, my nervous system is wired so that I am more sensitive and responsive to physical and emotional stimulation than most people are. Things that are merely annoying to most people are painful for me (like tickling), and things that others find painful are sometimes almost unbearable...of course I bear them anyway, being the kind of hardcore badass that I am. You'd think it would work the other way too - that things that feel good to most people would feel astoundingly awesome to me - and it does to a limited extent, but a lot things that other people find very enjoyable, like massages for example, just tend to overstimulate me. I also have highly sensitive emotional radar; for instance, I'm the kind of person who can walk into a room containing people who are behaving in a perfectly civil manner and know without a shred of doubt that they just finished having a fight because of the tension level in the room. This has actually happened on more than one occasion. I absorb other people's stress, and also their joy; at times I have trouble distinguishing my own emotions from those of people around me. Fortunately my levels of sensitivity are decreasing as I get older. And, of course, giving birth (twice!) has radically changed my perspective on pain.

I also have superhearing - which turns out to be more of a curse than a blessing when you live with small, noisy children - and according to a test I took at one of the EPCOT science exhibits when I was in high school I have amazing color perception, for whatever that's worth. What I haven't figured out yet is how to use my superpowers for good. I'll keep you posted, though.

4. I love food.

Yeah, sure, everybody loves food. We have to if we want to survive as a species. My love for food goes waaaaay beyond the survival instinct, though. When I say I love food, I mean EVERYTHING about food - flavor, texture, recipes, my relationship to it, its relationship to culture and the economy, the politics of it, the ecology of it, religious traditions surrounding it, where it comes from, how it's processed - I find it all utterly fascinating. I am the kind of person who will stuff you with food anytime you come over to my house. In fact, one good use I HAVE found for the aforementioned superpowers is to figure out the best things to serve people based on how they're feeling.

I also firmly believe that food can save the world. Okay, maybe it's not be the ONLY thing that can save the world but certainly an integral part of any world-saving solution. Supporting local agriculture can help stabilize your local economy and cut down on fossil fuel consumption and the resulting environmental impact. Improving school lunches and teaching families from all socioeconomic sectors how to eat healthier would do more for healthcare reform in the US than any bill that Congress could possibly pass. Organizations like Heifer International and the UN's World Food Programme work to increase food security worldwide, which has measurably resulted in not only in better health for the recipients of such programs, but also in greater equality for women and less violent conflict over resources, among other benefits. Okay, okay I have enough to say about this to fill at least ten more posts, so I'll save the rest for later.

5. I am musical.

I have studied various forms of music since I was...um...I don't remember exactly. Little, anyway. I've always been fascinated by music, at times obsessively so, because it's one of those things like poetry that appeals to my brain on both a structural and emotional level. I played clarinet and trumpet in elementary school band; I took piano and guitar lessons off and on over the years. Okay, wow, so it sounds like I was some kind of musical prodigy...actually the reason I tried out so many instruments as a kid is that I kind of suck at playing instruments. It turns out I have poor hand-ear coordination. I love music and I feel like I get it on a level that a lot of other people don't, but I just couldn't find a way to produce it that I could stand to listen to until I tried voice lessons in ninth grade. Finally! An instrument that was always handy, that I didn't have to worry about tuning, that I could always - well, mostly always - count on to play the note I wanted it to play. Best of all, singing gave me a way to communicate with other people that I finally felt comfortable with...which is another long story that I will save for another time.

I stuck with the voice lessons all through high school and my first year of college, at which point I switched majors from music therapy to linguistics and no longer had the spare time or energy for singing in non-shower-related venues. Of course I kept singing in the car and around the house, and occasionally through the years I have found other musicians to jam with who thought it was cool to have a trained vocalist sit in with them. I also discovered through belly dancing that I actually do have enough hand-ear coordination to be a decent percussionist; I have picked up reasonably good djembe and dumbek technique over the last few years and I'm generally pretty handy with things that shake, rattle and jingle. Recently I served as the official Music Mom at Thing One's preschool co-op, which mostly involved singing, drumming, clapping, marching and leading preschoolers in doing what they do best: making noise. It turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected and it reminded me how much I miss making music when I don't get to do it regularly. Right now I'm playing around with the idea of putting together a regular family-friendly music circle with some friends, and I'll keep you posted on how that turns out.

So that's some interesting stuff about me. Hope you've enjoyed it. Stay tuned for more. And, hey, now I have a bunch of ideas for stuff to write about, so many thanks to all of you who have been egging me on politely encouraging me to write about myself. Blog ya later! :)

Thanks! And...um...wha?

A few days ago my buddy Lisa Marie over at The Domestication of a Party Girl gave me this:

W00t! An award! Just for typing some stuff! I don't even remember the last time I got an award for anything...probably sometime in high school and probably also for typing some stuff.

Thanks, Lisa! That totally made my day. You rock! :o)

So now what? Being new to blogging and also a product of the late Cretaceous period, I am not up to speed yet with all the social etiquette of the blogosphere. Or do we call it Blogland? Blogville? Anyway, I get that I'm supposed to pass this along to a deserving party...and that would be Kato for her "The Story of Me" series as well as her general awesomeness.

Apparently I'm also supposed to tell you some shit I made up interesting factoids about myself or something when I get an award? What's the deal with that? Any enlightenment you elder bloggers care to provide will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Basket case

It's official. I'm a basket case. I am totally, utterly, bat-poo, locopants cuh-raaaaaaazy.

For CSA organic baskets, that is. We've been members of South Coast Farms' CSA program - one of two organic farms in The OC offering CSA - off and on for the last three years and mere words can't express how insanely awesomely deliciously wonderful fresh, local, seasonal produce is. Check out the basket we picked up yesterday:

LOOK at ALL THOSE VEGGIES!!! And underneath those luscious greens were a whole bunch of oranges, grapefruits, kiwis and other fruits, all picked at or slightly before the peak of ripeness. And if you're still not impressed, remember it's still early in the growing season...by July my basket will literally be overflowing with organic goodness.

If you're not familiar with the concept of Community Supported Agriculture, read this. I'm not here to explain what CSA is, I'm just here to explain why it's the single best thing ever to happen in the history of cooking and eating. Or at least in the recent history of cooking and eating.

If you're a fellow Gen-Xer, you probably ate a lot of fast food as a kid, and your exposure to vegetables was probably limited, like mine, mostly to the frozen and canned varieties. That's because your parents, like mine, grew up taking nutrition for granted. It's not their fault; when the pre-boomers and baby boomers were growing up, they weren't exposed to the same levels of sugar, additives, artificial ingredients, pesticide residues and commercial messages glorifying blatantly unhealthy foods that members of Generation X (which, incidentally, is a term I haven't heard anyone use lately...are we called something else now?) were exposed to as kids. They didn't think a whole lot about what to feed us beyond cost-effectiveness and possibly some vague sense of food groups because when they were kids you just ate what you ate and it was good enough.

I was in my mid-twenties before I discovered what really fresh fruits and vegetables tasted like. And by "really fresh" I don't mean fresh off the grocery store display after being picked green and sitting in the back of a hot truck for several days on their journey from some distant field in another state. I mean actually FRESH fresh, as in straight out of the earth...the difference is enormous. I recently read a biography of Alice Waters in which she is quoted as saying something to the effect of "gourmet cooking consists of taking the freshest, ripest, most delicious ingredients and doing as little as possible to them." And it's absolutely true. If you have the freshest, ripest, tastiest fruits and veggies, they will taste amazing no matter what you do to them, and that's where CSA comes in.

Picking up a basket of fresh-picked vegetables and fruits every week or every other week ensures that you ALWAYS have the freshest and ripest available. It also provides the opportunity to learn about new stuff you might not have worked with before. For instance, I never would have discovered the joy of fennel bulbs sliced thin and roasted with potato wedges without the CSA program. CSA baskets get more credit than anything else for turning me into a gourmet. Or at least setting me on the path to gourmet-ism.

Also, local organic baskets keep organic farming alive and well right here in the local economy. Here in The OC! A region that is, despite the economic downturn, still trying to sell itself as the Silicon Valley of SoCal and where, consequently, agriculture has given way to industry and most of the fertile farmland has been paved over and built into office parks. More organic farming means not only better produce, but also better soil and less environmental toxicity. It also means less toxic runoff and therefore healthier waterways and beaches, which are a big deal here in The OC. So the farmers support the local ecology & economy, I support the farmers and my family gets fresh fruits and veggies all the time. Everybody wins! Yaaaaaaay!!! The whole arrangement makes me so happy I want to jump up and down with glee just thinking about it.

I encourage all of you to look into your local CSA programs. Do some web searches using the terms "CSA," "organic farming" and the name of your city. If you love to cook, sign yourself up! Paying for an entire season up front (if that's what your local CSA's do) might give you sticker shock, but when the cost is broken down per basket, it works out to about the same price or a little less than buying the same organic produce at your local grocery store, assuming you can find any organic produce at your local grocery store. If you like your fresh salads but don't want to mess around with the other stuff, find a friend to split the cost and the contents of your baskets with. If you just aren't into vegetables, think about giving a season of CSA membership as a gift to a friend or relative who likes to cook...they will probably invite you over for a home-cooked meal to say thank-you. Or if you're feeling charitable, find out if your CSA program donates baskets to any local orphanages, soup kitchens or similar organizations and sign up to support them for a season.

Do it for your health, your community, your local ecology and your gourmet sensibilities. Whatever the reason, do it! Pretty soon you'll be a basket case too.

My big idea for today...

Yesterday was 3/14, celebrated as Pi Day by nerds everywhere, including myself, so I baked a spinach frittata to celebrate (get it? Pie for Pi day?). Today is the oft quoted Ides of March, so I'm planning to make a Caesar salad to serve with supper. That got me thinking: I've seen a lot of "365 Days of Blahblahblah" cookbooks and I've seen a couple of different guides to holidays for every day of the year (albeit mostly obscure and/or commercially fabricated ones), but I've never seen anyone combine them into a cookbook of holiday recipes for every day of the year.

Holiday recipes! Every day! OMG!!!

It would have to include any traditional recipes associated with major religious and secular holidays, of course, plus more obscure and whimsical fare for those lesser known and recently adopted holidays that may not have evolved their own cooking traditions yet.

Is it just me or is that the awesomest idea ever?!

Okay, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's just me. But it's a potentially entertaining source of answers for the eternal question of what to serve the family on any given day. Plus it's a different angle to try when I'm pushing new stuff on my picky eaters, e.g. "hey, kids, it's World Paleontology Day! Let's celebrate with a bowl of velociraptor soup!" (since you can't get velociraptor at the store these days you'd just substitute chicken, which IS descended from the therapods, after all). At any rate, it's an idea I plan to keep playing with.

Happy Ides of March, everybody!

Introducing Thing One and Thing Two

"In this box are two things
I will show to you now.
You will like these two things,"
Said the cat with a bow.
"I will pick up the hook.
You will see something new.
Two things. And I call them
Thing One and Thing Two."
         -- Dr. Seuss, "The Cat in the Hat"

In honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday earlier this week, I would like to introduce you to my children, whom I affectionately address as Thing One and Thing Two on a regular basis.

As you can see, they are winsome and sweet,
with large brains in their heads and small shoes on their feet.
They walk around covered in colorful clothes,
and often in paint from their hair to their toes.

Thing One (in the blue shirt) is going on six;
she homeschools and her favorite class is physics,
with math and astronomy both tied for second.
Her interests and talents are unique, so we reckoned

our town's Kindy classrooms might not be so nifty
for a kid who's been blessed with an IQ that's gifty.
She learns best in motion, has high energy,
and Thing One's also gifted with mild OCD.

Thing Two (in the orange shirt) is recently two,
and at times can be terrible, yes it is true.
Like her big sister, she's crafty and wise,
with mischievous giggly sparks in her eyes.

Where Thing One is savvy with science and sums,
Thing Two loves to dance and to bang on the drums.
She'll size you right up and she'll give you what-for,
then she'll make you laugh, then she'll do it some more.

Thing Two is a feeler; Thing One is a thinker.
Thing One is quite stubborn; Thing Two's just a stinker.
And both Things are beautiful, both of them smart,
both into sports, into music and art.

They both love to laugh, and to help and to know,
and when they are happy they both nearly glow.
To some they are friends and to others they're nieces;
to me they are daughters, and I love them to pieces!

Less-Wordy-Than-Usual Wednesday

The antidote to my last post...photo courtesy of my rockin' awesome hubby:

 

It turns out I DO own one outfit that doesn't make me look like somebody's mom.

Flattery will not necessarily get you everywhere, but it might get you a cookie

I was recently lamenting the fact that all the clothes I own right now make me look like a mom, and a friend of mine responded with the nicest compliment I've had in a while: she called me a MILF. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it literally. Nevertheless, the suggestion that I'm a mom somebody might like to fuck, even in a strictly hypothetical and impersonal sense, is verrrrry appealing. It totally made my day. Next time I see her I am going to bake her some cookies because I am domestic and stuff, and yes, because I am THAT grateful.

Why, exactly, is it so gratifying to have it insinuated that a respectable-looking and happily-married gal such as myself might be a fun partner for the horizontal hula? Before I had kids I would have found it mildly insulting. Now I'm a full-time mommy. My job is not sexy. Not at all. I don't wear makeup or get dressed up & go out to nice places very often. I spend most of my time wearing clothes that are utilitarian and, for the most part unflattering, but they're comfortable for playing on the floor and I don't mind getting dirt, paint, food or poo on them. Mommies have to put function before fashion, which pretty much guarantees that frumpiness is an occupational hazard for us.

Now, before I go any further I should tell you that I do have a fantastic, amazing, rockin' awesome husband and I don't want to leave anyone with the impression that he is falling down on the job or anything. Of course he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and appreciated, as he has for going on twelve spectacular years. On the other hand, on a typical day we end up with an hour or so of "us" time after the kids are asleep, while the rest of my waking hours and often a good portion of my sleeping hours are devoted to my extremely unsexy job.

To put that into perspective for any childless readers tuning in, I spend the equivalent of one and a half full-time jobs on duty and the rest of the time on call. I spend the vast majority of that time preparing food for people who may or may not eat it, cleaning things that will most likely get messy again right away, handling the complex and ever-changing logistics of getting the kids ready to go out, taking them places that we may or may not have to leave right away due to somebody having a meltdown, reading the same books over and over and over and over again, cleaning up various bodily fluids, and wondering how many more days it will be before I have a chance to take a shower again. If I'm lucky, my day ends when I go to sleep.

I'm also extremely fortunate to get to stay home and parent two of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I wouldn't give it up for anything. Every day is an adventure and a challenge, and I'm constantly learning new and amazing things about the world and about myself, thanks to my children. My job is awesome. But like I said, it's not sexy. Like many other professionals who are intensely committed to and engaged in their work, full-time moms often have a hard time separating their personal identities from their job descriptions. It's easy for us to forget that somewhere under the layer of grime, the sweatpants and the shapeless baby-food-stained t-shirt, we're still young, intelligent, energetic and interesting. And, yes, still smokin' hot. We need reminders occasionally.

So to all of you mommies out there: know that I think you are amazing and strong and gorgeous, even if you don't always feel it.

To my husband and the wonderful friends who make it a point to remind me that I still got it, even if I can't always remember where I left it: I can't tell you how much that means to me. Thank you. Don't stop.

To the rest of you: if you have a friend who's a mom, find something nice to compliment her about. Don't make it up, and don't just say "hey, have you lost weight?" because she will see right through that. Take a good look and find something to say about what makes her beautiful. Or, if you know her really well, maybe just start the conversation with something like "hey there, Hot Stuff!" or "lookin' gooooood, Mama!" It will make her day. And you never know...there might be a cookie in it for you.

What to write about?

No idea.





*thinking*





*scratching head*





*pouring more wine*





*thinking some more*





*getting a snack*





*thinking some more*





Still no idea. Maybe sleep will help.

Good night!

Priorities

Before I had kids, and occasionally in between having kids, I studied, performed and taught Raqs as-Sharqi...a.k.a. bellydance. It's a lot of fun and a great workout. In fact, it's really the only athletic pursuit I've ever stuck with for any length of time. Over the years it has also led me to explore a lot of other interesting things like henna art, drumming and two semesters of Arabic language study. Performing at restaurants, private parties, wedding receptions and other venues has given me the opportunity to work with and get to know the local Middle Eastern communities, which has been a great cultural education and further solidified my long-held conviction that under the thin outer layer of local custom and cultural protocol, people are all pretty much the same everywhere.

Anyway, I'm posting about this today to motivate myself to get my bootie out of the house so I can go shake it at dance class this afternoon. My friend Tina Enheduanna teaches in Laguna Hills on Sunday afternoons and one of my New Year's resolutions was to go take her class as often as possible. I was originally picturing "as often as possible" meaning every week. So far I've made it to three classes since 2010 began, which averages out to about every other week, which is still pretty good. I'd like to work my way up to every week but things keep coming up, like my house needing to be cleaned, being exhausted, some or all of my household being under the weather, events we want to take the kids to at the same time, etc., etc.

Once upon a time, I would have made it to dance class, troupe rehearsal or the dance workshop of the week come hell or high water. Most of my social circle was connected to the local dance community. Now my ability & willingness to go to class is conditional on not being needed at home, and I have lost touch with a lot of the lovely ladies with whom I used to dance. I miss them. A lot. And I miss dancing. And being in shape.

I know (or at least I hope) every parent goes through the same radical shift in perspective when their kids are born, but it still amazes me how complete the change in priorities can be. Being completely depended on by someone else for survival, it's easy to shove everything else to the back burner. As a species, we're adapted (or designed, if you prefer) to do this when necessary. Obviously it has worked out really well for us, seeing as we are the dominant species on the planet and everything. Fortunately, we're also a highly social species, which means that mommies don't have to do EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY ALL the time because other people can help. And it also means we need friends, like the ones I'm going to hang out with this afternoon at dance class.

So I guess my priorities for today are clear.

BTW, if you are in the South OC and are interested in bellydance classes, Tina is awesome. Check out her website. For those of you in the Costa Mesa/Newport area, check out Lilla Varese, another good friend and excellent dance teacher.