Women in the US get all kinds of education in how not to get raped. Those of us who went to college and lived on campus at any point during the last two decades all got the 'how not to get raped' workshop as part of freshman orientation. Lists like this one or this, or this are all over the place. You've seen them and, if you're a woman, you've probably had numerous versions of them emailed to you by well-meaning friends and family members. And I'm not knocking self-defense training at all - I think martial arts and self-defense classes are a great idea for everyone, and that both men and women are well served by some basic education in personal safety. But the fact is that when it comes to preventing rape, the ONLY educational information out there is directed at women. So what's the problem with that?
The problem is that no amount of educating women is going to get to the root of the issue. The problem is that NOBODY ever says "Hey dudes, DON'T RAPE!"
And, of course, the problem is also that our news outlets still lament the loss of the RAPISTS' promising futures and, without a trace of irony, quote the RAPISTS as saying "My life is over. No one is going to want me now."
Putting the onus of rape prevention exclusively on women excuses rapists from personal responsibility by elevating the concept of 'rape' to the level of a societal problem like 'crime' or 'poverty'. It says "men are going to do it and there's nothing we can do about it." It also says "you've been thoroughly educated, so if you still get raped it's your own fault because you weren't careful/sober/conservatively-dressed enough."
So here is my own list of rape prevention tips. For everybody.
- DON'T RAPE. SERIOUSLY. DO NOT DO IT. TO ANYBODY. EVER.
- Stop making excuses for rapists. They are criminals, and they made the conscious choice to hurt someone in what is arguably the most psychologically damaging way possible. They don't deserve your sympathy or your protection no matter how good their GPA's are or how bright their futures are.
- Regardless of what kind of chromosomes or genitalia you have, treat your fellow humans decently. Don't hurt people - physically or verbally; don't sit quietly and accept it if someone hurts you, and don't stand by silently if you see someone else being hurt.
- Parents, quit turning a blind eye to your children's behavior in the name of 'letting them work out their problems for themselves.' I hear that excuse all the time from parents whose kids act like assholes. You don't need to become a helicopter parent, but it's your number one job as a parent to teach your kids how to behave like civilized people instead of animals. DO YOUR JOB.
- Do not EVER tell your daughters (or your sons, for that matter) "he (or she) only did that because he likes you." People who like you don't hurt you or embarrass you to show that they like you. Tell your daughters (and sons) the truth: that he (or she) did that because he was acting like a shitty little jerkface. And then give your kids some constructive suggestions about what they can do if it happens again, including how to seek help effectively if they don't feel they can handle the situation themselves.
- Teach your children that there is ONE standard of honorable behavior that should be followed BY EVERYONE. See #3. And model that behavior, even if the other parents at the playground judge you for it.
- If someone hurts you (assuming it's not in self-defense because you were attacking them first) it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Anyone who makes excuses for a person who hurts you or suggests that it is your fault is full of shit. Don't believe it. Fight for justice if you have to; you deserve it and our society will be better for it.
